Divorce is hard. I know. But marriage is hard too. People don’t acknowledge that often enough.

I have been married for 20 years and practicing family law for over 20 years. Over that time I have learned from my clients who have let love go, on how to keep your marriage alive and strong. I thought I would share some lessons I have learned.

1. Communicate honestly, openly and deeply. Often.  No excuses. Don’t let work or kids or both complicate your lives. Talk deeply about issues that matter to you. I like to keep a mental agenda of the things that matter to me or are worrying me and at the right time, we can deal with them properly without interruptions or disturbances.  

2. Schedule quality time. Date night once a month booked in the calendar in advance and babysitters too. No exceptions. Weekends away at least 3 times per year, no kids and any other quality time you can be fortunate enough to fit in.  Make time for each other and value that time.  

3. Be purposeful in the way you communicate.  Recognize your values that when challenged, create conflict triggers in you and learn how to deal with those triggers. Get to know what triggers your spouse. Respect each others conflict triggers and boundaries when you communicate. Resist the temptation for personal digs in an area you know gets under their skin, just to have the last word.  

4. Life is not what you see on social media. Stop reading everyone posts about their perfect life. Its simply not true. Its just a snapshot of their best moments.  

5. Don’t think about what you could do to improve your spouse. No one is perfect, neither are you. Accept that. Remember what you loved most about them during those honeymoon years and build on that.  

6. Keep up your sexual relationship and never, I repeat never, sleep in separate beds. That is not just for sex, but pillow talk is so important to keep your connection strong.  

7. Don’t let money be a reason for conflict. Address money issues head on. If one of you is a spender and the other thrifty, deal with the dilemma, make sone rules and commit to them. Never hide assets, loans or money worries from eachother and be inclusive with one another to keep each of you feeling empowered and informed. Don’t sign nor ask your spouse to sign documents they don’t understand.  

8. It is not ok to let family violence enter your household. Period. Physical or emotional abuse, coercive controlling behavior, financial control, stalking, belittling, undermining, manipulation. Once the power imbalance has shifted, the relationship is on its way out. Recognize it before it becomes a problem and deal with it.  

9. Agree on roles and responsibilities within the household and parenting but see the job as a team effort. Don’t nag each other about insignificant jobs and just let each other be.  

10. Back each other up when it comes to parenting in front of the kids, even if you don’t agree with their methods at the time. (Discuss better techniques at your date nights) 

11. Stay united as a family unit and don’t let outside influences like parents, siblings or others take priority over each other. Never ever talk badly about your spouses family to them or anyone else. And always be kind to your mother in law.  
12. Finally, just love each other and tell each other you do, more often than you think you need to.