“How do I tell the kids we’re separating?”
This is one of the hardest questions parents face, and one of the most searched topics across Australia every December and January.
The words matter.
The timing matters.
The way you communicate matters most.
Here’s how to approach this conversation with clarity, steadiness and care.
1. Choose your timing carefully
Avoid telling children:
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during a conflict
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late at night
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before school or big events
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on Christmas Day
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right before a parent leaves the house
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in the middle of holiday chaos
Choose a time when you can stay present and composed.
If you’re waiting until after Christmas, that’s okay — many families do.
2. Tell them together if possible
Children cope better when the adults present a united message.
Sit together, stay calm, and keep the message simple.
If you can’t speak together safely, seek professional guidance.
3. Use clear, age-appropriate language
Children need clarity, not detail.
A simple script:
“Your mum/dad and I have decided we won’t be partners anymore. You will always have both of us. We love you very much. This is an adult decision and not your fault. We’re going to make sure you’re okay and keep your routines stable.”
Avoid:
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blaming
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describing adult issues
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talking about “winning” or “choosing sides”
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emotional outbursts
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future predictions you can’t guarantee
4. Reassure them about what stays the same
Children immediately worry about:
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where they will live
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school
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friends
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routines
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losing a parent
Give calm, factual reassurance:
“You will still see both of us. We’re working out the details, but you will be safe, loved and supported.”
5. Expect emotional waves
Children may respond with:
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sadness
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anger
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relief
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confusion
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questions
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silence
Everything is normal.
You’re not doing it wrong.
Stay calm, grounded and available.
6. Keep adult conflict completely away from them
If there’s tension between you and your partner, don’t let the children become the audience.
This means:
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no arguing in front of them
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no asking them to choose
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no involving them in adult logistics
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no emotional oversharing
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no “soft blaming”
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no using children as messengers
Your steadiness becomes their safety.
7. Follow up after the conversation
Check in the next day.
And again a week later.
And again once routines shift.
Small moments of reassurance go a long way.
If you’re dreading this conversation
You’re not alone.
It’s painful for almost every parent.
A family lawyer or psychologist can help you plan the timing, the structure and the next steps so you can lead your children through this with clarity and care.
Ready to speak to our team about your first steps? Book a free 15-minute call by clicking here.